De-stress yourself and coping when the going gets tough

I have often wondered if other people's lives are as complicated as mine.

On this page, I wish to share some things, so that those of you out there who have complicated lives can be assiured that there are many women out there whose lives are just as complicated as ours!!! (some a lot worse)

Our perception is of course relative to us as individuals. What is bad to one is not necessarily to someone else. It is about being able to cope too. I have 3 kids and a friend of mine has 5 kids, another 4. I have friends with 2 kids and friends with 1. Sometimes the ones with 1 and 2 children cant cope as well as those with 4, simply because they as individuals are just not particularly good at coping with stress. But that does not make them any less a person. I often hear other mothers bitching about those that can't cope, only to find out that there are also things those very mothers can't cope with themselves.

We are all different and can sometimes be made to feel totally useless by others.

How can we cope? Sometimes things seem unbearable. When you have a chronic illness, many things are amplified. We find it hard to cope simply because we are just not well enough.

People such as family and friends often don't understand, even though they know we are ill.

Families - how can we cope?

I don't know about you, but sometimes we have complicated families, whether they are close family or extended families they often trivialise our problems.

Sometimes someone, such as our mother or daughter, son, sister or aunt, cousin and even partner can't offer the support we need, but exasperate it even more, simply because their favourite saying is: "Pull yourself together" They may be too busy with their own lives, be generally unsympathetic people or just too self centered to be supportive.

When this is the case, and you know that explaining doesn't work, taking them along to a sympathetic doctor, showing them a website or information about the condition may help.

I am intending to make information leaflets specially for this purpose so that women may provide back up so that others will simply back off!!!

Seeing less of these people helps. Endless nagging from them does not.

I have heard it all myself. Even though others knew I was not capable of housework, they still made plenty of comments about my home, how disorganised I was and I was nagged and disapproved of by my mother endlessly. She even thought I was being "bone idle"

My answer? I saw less of her and later on when I could afford it better, I employed a cleaner for 2 hours a day, 2 days a week to help with ironing and hoovering or anything that I felt I could not do.

Better to see less of her and have a good relationship that to be at war. At first she was offended. They always are, and are brilliant at making you feel guilty, but I explained that "due to my condition" I was just too tired and often felt weak and debilitated. I explained that I would see her on my good days. Basically, she would have been over every day if I gave her the chance. I questioned why she wanted to be there every day. I knew she was lonely, but she had friends where she lived. She needed her own life and not to take over mine. She is a very independant person and I wanted her to still feel that she was, still see her and as she kept telling me that nearly everything wasn't my business, I did not feel I could have the luxury of saying the same thing to her.

Not everyone can afford a cleaner, and we can only do our best. We should never feel guilty. It is a wasted emotion and will contribute towards our condition, by enhancing feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem and anxiety.

Then of course, once you can drive and you find you are the taxi service for other family members, you can feel used and worn out. Learn to say NO. Otherwise you will still feel negative because you will feel that you are only needed because they want a lift.

Also, don't allow yourself to feel pressured by the children. Mine went to lots of after school activities which consequently left me worn out, anxious and always running about when I knew I simply could not. Tumble time, Cub scouts, football, Irish dancing, netball, swimming, gymnastics. And later, running teenagers toparties, friends houses, shopping centres. For 3 kids? I was never at home let alone sitting still!!

Ask for help if other friends' children do the same activities and perhaps take it in turns, or cut down their activities. It is impossible to please everyone all of the time and find they while everyone else is pleased and happy, you are not only unhappy, but exhausted and more unwell than ever. Never feel guilty. They should, however at seeing their mum exhausted because of them. While we don't want to apportion blame and guilt, explain to them that you simply can't do it.

Then there is our partner. They don't always think. Indeed some partners don't think at all. They can leave you to it, the housework, the kids, school matters, shopping etc.

If you need help, ask for it. Sometimes people don't think to offer. You can always return the favour.

Thyroid conditions present a variety of symptoms, guilt and low self esteem often to the point of paranoia being just one of them. We find ourselves crying over nothing, feel totally helpless and sometimes ridden with guilt that we can't explain.

The simplest task if often monumental. We can get into a vicious circle where we simply won't even try because it just all seems too much. I often feel that when we are like this, it is time to get your blood done just to make sure it is still fairly stable.

We will always be a bit up and down, but with the right nutritional supplements, rest, gentle exercise, the right medication, we will soon be feeling strong again both physically and mentally and ready to face the world.

Sometimes friends can also be a hinderance. Especially if you are part of a group of friends as I once was.

I had a particular friend a few years ago who seemed hell bent on trying to screw my head up. She was very possessive, dictatorial, self centred, jealous and controlling. She was also a gossip to the point of cruelty and life with her in it was causing me a lot of stress. She would be always talking behind my back about how I was completely mad and that my kids were awful, my home was a mess and my life a mess. True, I was very unwell and because I had untreated Hashimoto's disease, could not explain to her how I felt. Nor would she have cared.

It took me a long time to realise that life without her would be so much better as I would no longer be controlled, made to feel bad, ugly, incompetant, inferior, insane, and a total waste of space. She also had problems with her own marriage and was directing these at me as well as interfering in my marriage and contributing to its eventual breakdown by betraying confidences to my then husband. When I met Mike, I vowed no one would ever interfere again and have taken steps to ensure this.

Once I had broken away from the friendship, relief set in. Unfortunately I had to break away from the group of friends totally to feel true inner peace. One or two of them gave Mike a terrible time when we met by quizzing him and also critisizing him to me.

I now have 3 small groups consisting of 3 other couples (who fortunately don't actually know eachother) and we see them individually and not in a large group. Since they don't know eachother, they cant "gang up" on you which is what was happening before. I was either being told I was too thin, too paranoid, too emotional and the list was endless. I did not need the aggravation as unbeknown to them, I was actually very sick and only going to become more ill as time went on. However, I don't think they would have cared even if they had known. The friends I have now are understanding, kind, helpful, but also give us space to be a family on our own. They share the same values. We see each of them about once a month and sometimes phone for a chat. They don't feel they have to know your business and I am not interested in theirs, unless of course they want to tell me. We are all confidential and trust eachother and thats the way it will stay. They also have their own friends and that is their perogative. My old friends seemed put out if I had any friends they did not know and were also very critical of my closeness to my parents and family.

It's all about respecting other peoples privacy, ways, lifestyle and remembering it's everyone to their own!! I have learnt never to give an opinion unless asked as this is usually used as ammunition when you are in a large group of friends.

This may all seem very complicated and long winded, but I have found that when you have a chronic illness you really need loyal decent friends (and family) who can be called upon but who are not judgemental to the point that they make you feel as though you are a thorn in the side of humanity and who are not constantly phoning you just so they can use your latest dilemmas as a source of gossip to be spread about to make themselves feel big and important.

My point is? When you are ill, break away from those that are causing you stress, adding to your illness, critisizing you or making you unhappy. Whether they are friends, family or even dare I say it...your partner.

You can not live with constant pressure and be well. You don't need the extra stress, battles etc. Sure isn't life difficult enough?

We also need to seek a hobby, passtime or something totally unique to us. Something we don't need to share with anyone, be it gardening, sewing, cooking reading, drawing, art etc that we can do when we want. Sometimes, by doing things with a friend or family member, we are then committed. We have to go to the evening class, gym, shops, coffee shop, club or whatever it is simply because we feel guilty if we don't.

Yes it's nice to do things with a friend too. But just try not to commit a weekly thing. After all, we can sometimes have a flare up of our illness and not feel well enough to go, but feel obliged. We then feel familiar guilt as well as feeling unwell because we were simply not up to it in the first place. If they are truly your friend, they will respect your needs and be understanding of your condition.

Your husband/partner/children need to undertsand too. They need to give you space to have naps, quiet moments, outbursts or whatever and still support you.

Yes, having a thyroid condition does make you slightly more complex than others. But you are still you. My old self came back once I was on the correct medication and using nutritional supplements that made me feel a lot better. I had forgotten who I was and lost my identity compltely, due not only to my illness, but to unsupportive and bullying friends, ex husband, and sometimes family.

Try to remember who your were and regain that person. I had turned from a happy go lucky, cheerful, bright, comical and gentle person into an over-emotional, stressed, irritable, paranoid lady with no self confidence at all. I looked older and haggard. I lost loads of weight and suddenly piled it on. I was also constantly ashamed but never could understand why. I always felt inferior to others and often remained completely quiet because I felt others would simply not be interested in what I had to say. I felt that everyone was better than me....in every way. I wallowed in self pity and made no attempt to help myself. I could not even go shopping without a panic attack.

I have regained my strength, humour, am calmer and have more self confidence. I have helped myself to be well and can talk to others without going to pieces. This website is important to me because I know how helpless I was and I don't want others to feel like that.

Here is a link to a page called "The Spoon Theory" by Christine Miserando about living with chronic illness and explaining this to friends.